


Rediscovery

by lord_fodz



Series: Documentary: Memoirs of the first Galactic Heros [3]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-26
Updated: 2014-09-26
Packaged: 2018-02-18 20:03:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2360522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lord_fodz/pseuds/lord_fodz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard is finally awake, Kaidan is remembering all his feelings for him, and a new threat is rising</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rediscovery

**Author's Note:**

> So Finally, I got part 3 to a tolerable read. I added a small plot just to heat things up. Enjoy, and please take your time reading it :D

The shuttle began to make its arduous journey through the asteroid field. It was painfully clear to me why he chose this place as a base, if it wasn’t for the beacon, there would be no possible way for us to make it through in one piece. My instructions were clear, retrieve information, and the last thing I wanted to do was disappoint; after all, he is not known for his mercy.

We made it through fields and fields of debris, ships that were destroyed long ago, remnants of small asteroids that were crushed by bigger ones; it all seemed to intensify as we made our way deeper. Legend has it that this field, one of the largest in this sector, was the site of a great battle waged eons ago, apparently planets, moons, and ships were destroyed in the process, it seemed so unreal but after the reapers, nothing is unreal.

In the distance, I can see the large asteroid that housed his base, you could tell by the giant crescent shaped crater that took out half the asteroid. While many asteroids have this U shape in them from bumping together, this one is different, it seems too accurate, too clean cut to be just two asteroids colliding. 

While the obvious location for a base would be in this gigantic crater, the shuttle didn’t make its way there, in fact, it headed towards the opposite side. We started heading towards a small crack in the asteroid’s outer shell. As we made it through the small opening, I could feel the shudder of a barrier field and the pop of pressurized atmosphere. Inside was a large cavern like space, the rock was covered by sheets of metal, or metal like material, that glistened with the light that shone from below. The shuttle headed for the one source of light in this gigantic space, a large city like station sitting on top of a clear blue lake. The sight was incredible, a small city floating on a lake, inside a pressurized dome like metallic cavern, hidden inside an asteroid, accessible only through a small opening in the asteroid and only by shuttle. It still amazes me how he was able to find this station in the first place. Getting here is half the trouble, in order to do so, you need to signal the station on a super encryption frequency, then, only after scanning the ship and verifying the codes, a small shuttle that carries only a handful of people is dispatched. For the shuttle to get back to the station, it needs to follow a very carefully plotted route that is guided only by the beacon.

But making your way through all that isn’t the worst half, meeting “The Shade” is. Said to have been born of dying reaper blood, The Shade has been slowly rising in strength over the past few weeks. He used resources that no one knew existed to gather power. In the weeks that followed the chaos of the attack, while governments were focusing on salvaging their damages, The Shade has been doing the same, but instead of helping, he was swallowing up whole terrorist groups, hiring their best members and killing the rest. He followed mercs into their hiding spots and took them out without leaving so much as a trace that he was there. Essentially he was putting together an army of skilled assassins, without letting anyone know about it. If you were unlucky enough to meet the Shade, then you are either employed by him, or already dead. I was the only person to survive The Shade’s attack on an old Shadow broker’s base, as I learned later, my tracking skills are what kept me alive, but will that change when he finds out.

The shuttle finally landed on the base, and as I got out, I couldn’t help but wonder how weird this place was, there was a breeze in the air and the light emanating from the base, using the water as a huge spotlight, and using the walls as a mirror, gave the place a certain planetary feeling. It would be an amazing place if it weren’t so old, and if you weren’t here to meet one of the darkest creatures that walked the known galaxy. I walked the long walkway that led to the base’s main gate. From where I stood, I could see the location of the “throne room”, the highest hall that houses the audience hall for The Shade. The throne room has become known for its omens of death, memorabilia collected from all his killings, krogan armors, Turian skulls, Asari skin covered walls that held the petrified bodies of mangled Asari soldiers, but most disturbing of all is the throne chair, it’s an actual reaper core, rumored to be that of Harbinger himself, hollowed out, with reaper skeleton filling the inside and leading up to where the shade sits. The room has no lights other than the dark, fiery orbs that light the decorations, and the blue hue coming from all the reaper equipment used in building the throne.

As I reached the bottom of the ”Reaper core” throne, which I must say is incredibly intimidating - sitting in the heart of one of the most terrifying beasts that threatened to end all sentient life in this galaxy - I kneeled down as I said “My lord, I bring news”. I couldn't see the Shade in his throne, but even with the poor lighting, I saw his large robed figure, standing up and heading towards me. No one has ever seen the Shade’s face before, if you are one of his unlucky chosen, you basically get to see him wearing that black robe, even his most trusted elite, known only as the Dark Horsemen, have never seen his face. He slowly walked down from his throne, and said in a deep, dark and cold voice “Speak”. “Shepard is awake my lord, and as you predicted, she went in to see him”, I paused to see his reaction, but he just moved towards me, like death coming to its prey. “My lord, I believe she got a copy of the cipher”. The figure moved pass me, his exhaled breath clearly signaled irritation. “did you track her back to her base”, my heart skipped a few beats as I said, “My lord, her ship made the jump before I could calculate her trajectory”. He stopped in his tracks and turned around to face me as he said in that dark and grounded voice of his, “You failed”, I proceeded to explain how I didn’t have time to make the necessary calculations, and how I tried to plot a course based on the information I have, but found nothing. I also explained that I have a few leads to where the base might be hidden. But nothing convinced him, he suddenly glowed in a bright red hue, and raised his arm, throwing me violently across the hall in one sweep. I landed on some sort of Salarian creature sculpture thing, but pain wasn’t important at this point, I needed to save my life. I pleaded at the top of my voice, hoping to get another chance “My lord, I will not fail again, I am sure my leads…..”, he pulled me towards him in another motion, then suspended me in the air as he said “Leads do not concern me Mr. Fisk, you have failed me for the last time”. The shade’s hue changed from red to white as I felt my insides being ripped out, memories quickly flashed by, Chora’s den, Shepard, the Shadow broker, reapers, Aria, Omega, Earth, family, that Quarian girl that started the whole chain of events that lead to here, it all came back as I felt my existence being wiped out. The last thing I saw, as the Shade’s power ripped through every cell, was his face; horror settled in as I realized the truth of it all. I needed to warn someone, anyone, but nothing happened, I couldn’t move as darkness creeped in and I finally gave in to it.

 

*******************************************

Leaving the medical wing was probably the hardest thing I ever had to do, every step I would take towards the elevator, I would walk back two. I just couldn’t imagine leaving John, especially after he finally woke up. I cursed the situation, screw it, I am going back. But he’s probably asleep by now, and Liara is with him, maybe I should go home and rest so that in the morning I could rush over and take him home, we would finally have time to ourselves, that sounded like a plan. With every rationale I could muster, I made it out of the base and headed towards a sky car. 

Now I haven’t truly seen the extent of this base, when we arrived it was dark and I haven’t had the chance to leave Shepard’s side for the entire time, so it was kind of exciting to see what Liara was able to accomplish here. Now the entire base is built under the monumental pathways of Ilos, almost no structures exist that can give away its location. However, Liara carefully placed decoy structures that emit certain energy signatures that can attract attention away from the base. I was also told that she hid ion cannons in calculated positions that would fire a charged beam at any enemy that tried to take out these decoys, these cannons were well hidden and well shielded from any attackers. I have to say, what Liara did was impressive, even more is that she did it in complete secrecy. 

As an added bonus, Liara decided to create separate living spaces for her and her guests. at the side of one of the mountains surrounding the base, she carved out 4 large spaces, each served as a separate apartment. As I approached this site, I was amazed yet again by the work she put into it. The mountain side facing the base was carved in, and you could clearly see the 4 apartments, each was at least 3 stories high, and extended way deep into the mountain side. The mountain served as a heavy armor, but on the terrace side, a barrier was placed to protect the site from any incoming attacks. While each apartment was carefully situated to be independent of the next, they all shared one terrace at the lowest floor. 

Liara had told me before that she has assigned one of the larger apartments to me and John, as a permanent residence here on Ilos. While the Shadow broker is known for being discreet, apparently Liara is known for being super lavish. As I approached the apartments sky car parking lane, the apartment lights started to go off. looking up, our place was huge, it had 4 stories to it and I could swear I saw a swimming pool in one of the balconies as I was coming in. As I made my way to the elevator that would take me from the car park to the apartment, a familiar voice greeted me “Welcome Rear Admiral Alenko, where would you like to go”. “Glyph, what are you doing here”, “I am not Glyph Admiral, however, I am an exact duplicate with all the same functions and programing as the original Glyph”. The drone was indeed a replica, I was too tired to chat about the similarities, so I just asked replica Glyph to send me to the bedroom, prepare some food for me and heat up the shower.

The moment I walked into the elevator, I knew Liara spared no expense, the elevator had marble floors, with beautifully engraved walls running up to a domed shape holo projection of the stars above. It was like I was in one of those royal halls. As the doors opened to the bedroom, I would never have guessed what's inside. The bedroom was designed as a semi circle, with the bed in the middle. The room had no glass to cover the window, it was open to the outside, I am guessing the barrier made the need for a window obsolete. As I walked into the room, I could see the bathroom on the left edge of the semi circle, with an open air hot tub and an open shower. I could also see the closet on the right side of the room, it was large enough to house the entire crew of the Normandy, and had enough clothes for them too. Then as you made your way down the stairs, the bed laid on an elevated glass platform, that had water underneath. The water ran from under the bed and into a waterfall that spanned the entire 4 floors. as an added bonus, 2 sets of stairs at the edge of the platform lead to a decent sized glass pool that took in the view. I always thought that the Citadel apartment that Anderson gave Shepard was lavish enough, but this, this made that place look like a homeless shelter by comparison. 

I started by heading towards the shower, even though John’s room had a shower, I never really took a decent one for the whole time, I just couldn’t leave him for that long. As I undressed, all I could think about was those hot steamy memories of the SR-1’s shower. After I realized that I am somehow, for some reason, attracted to John, I started craving him. As a person with severe debilitating relationship abilities, all I could do was sneak a peak of him when he went in to the shower. I used to find out his scheduled shower time and either schedule mine then, or go in and pretend to be shaving or cleaning my teeth or whatever. I would look at his reflection in the mirror and hope he couldn’t spot me looking at him, looking at that perfect body of his, oh it was so perfect, toned, muscular, tanned with just the right amount of hair to give him a manly look without grossing it out. His abs were carved by a sculptor, his thighs were nothing but toned muscle that held the power of a thousand horses, and speaking of horses, his dick was easily the size of my arm, well not my arm, but you get the picture. It was long, straight and perfectly proportional, girth wise, nothing seemed unordinary, the head seemed ready for the action, just as its owner was, and those balls, it sent shivers through my body just thinking of what I could do to those balls. Whenever he turned around, I always got a perfect shot of his ass, I couldn’t exactly see his hole, but I could tell that it was hairy, while the outside was perfectly shaped and smooth. Seeing Shepard in the shower was the highlight of my everyday duty aboard the normandy, he was such a beautiful piece of art that I wanted to stare at forever.

A few weeks after I started my watching routine, I realized that John stopped scheduling his showers, and started doing them a little more random. I immediately started getting a paranoid reaction, I thought he was bugged by me watching him all the time and decided to randomize his schedule to avoid me. The few times I saw him in there, I was usually in the shower. Once I spotted him, I always gave him my back to hide my hard on, and protect myself from the embarrassment. Even though I did that, I would be secretly hoping he was watching me, I would imagine his eyes scanning my body from top to bottom, maybe he was watching me in the mirror like I was watching him, but I knew that I was kidding myself, I knew that these were only fantasies in my head. I always followed my showers with a quick session where I took my matters into my own hand, thinking of Shepard, immediately releasing all that was in me, and hoping that one day, he would be the recipient of it, little did I know then that all my fantasies would come true and more. 

I was brought back to the shower in Ilos by the glyph clone bringing in the meal I asked for. As I dried myself, I tried to remember when was the last shower I had during which I didn't fantasize about John, it has been a long time, and I couldn’t wait to have him back. I walked down to a small table that c. Glyph set the food at and began to eat, as I was doing so, I decided to check the message inbox for the Normandy. As ranking member of the Normandy crew, I had access to all its incoming messages, as well as all of John’s messages. I took a look at the amount of mail he had, at that moment, John had well over 30,000 messages, not counting messages to the Normandy, which totaled about 15,000 or so. I knew it would take us weeks to sort through all these messages, so I created a filter that would move all messages that had either “thank you”, or fan letters, or storytelling letter, and kept only messages from the Alliance, and messages that contained significant information. This totaled both inboxes to about six or seven hundred messages. I sorted them by importance and began reading the highest priority first. 

The first message I read was from the Admiralty board, it was an immediate recall to the Normandy, the message clearly stated that the Normandy was being reassigned to a different commander and that its crew were to follow the direction of this new leader. The new captain was set to arrive about a week after we arrived at Ilos. During the past weeks, I actually never thought to check up on the Normandy and crew, I just assumed that they were ok and were taken care of. However, after reading this message, I realized how wrong I was to not check up on them, I could have stood up to the board and kept both the ship and crew here, after all they have been through, they both deserved a break. I re-sorted the messages to follow the thread. Apparently all members of the crew were unwilling to follow this order, but it was clear that Joker and EDI were the people behind it. To sum up, Joker told the board to shove it, and EDI informed them that the Normandy systems were down and needed maintenance before she was set for sail again. After several emails that involved direct threats of suspension and court martial, the matter finally made its way to Hackett. From what I could tell, Hackett requested a comm link with Joker, to whom he accepted. The final email in the matter read”

“All,

After carefully going through all arguments, it is my decision as Admiral of the Fleet and current head of government that the Normandy remain on Ilos for repair, as well as r ’n r time for the crew. 

The Normandy will remain under Admiral Shepard’s command, which has been temporarily re-assigned to Rear Admiral Alenko.

This order is final, and the matter is no longer open for discussion.”

Apparently Joker said some strong stuff in the comm. Deep inside, I was glad that Shepard never lost his command, the Normandy and her crew meant a lot to him, and it was touching to see that he means a lot to them too. As I finished, I realized how tired I was, I needed to sleep so that I can get up early and go back to John early in the morning. Thankfully, I was done eating and ready to retire to bed. 

As I lay there in bed, with the view of the entire post in front of me, I couldn’t help but think of Shepard, of how much I missed him. How much I missed those times we hung out together at the presidium, before the SR-1 went down. Back then, we had just defeated Sovereign and the Geth army, chaos was every where, the presidium was a mess. Even so, Shepard and I would get up early, run around the lakes together, talk about anything and everything, then we usually went back to either of our apartments, took a shower, usually together, then had breakfast. We had late afternoon walks there, we had nights together where we gazed out to the stars and imagined how they must look back on earth. The best part of those few weeks was that we were unburdened, we had nothing to worry about, carefree, just enjoying a picnic on the grass, or a night out in the wards. I truly wished that this feeling would never end. But now, after all we have been through, I was willing to kill Harbinger with my bare hands if he stood in the way of us being this free again. 

I needed to see John, now, I just can’t stand being away. As I had those feelings, I also wondered about how much I changed; I was never the person that clinged onto a partner, my happiness never depended on another person, and I never felt this helpless before. Even with that witch Rahna, I still maintained a healthy distance, emotionally. However, with John, I wasn’t the same, I wanted to be with him, I wanted to be clingy, and wanted to be the smitten kid. It was such a cliche, I thought, but weirdly, one I didn’t want to run from. I had to make sure he was ok, and I believed I was justified in that. I got out of bed and began putting on my clothes. As I did, c’ glyph came in and inquired as to my plans, I told him I needed to get out for a quick breath of fresh air. I wondered whether I was embarrassed of the fact that I became too attached to John, or just didn’t want a drone nosing into my own business. I decided that no matter the answer, I’ll save it for therapy later on. I got to the garage, took the skycar and headed for the base. 

As I drove to the medical wing, I wondered what John will think, will he hug me and say that he missed me and he’s thankful I am back, or will he be surprised and appalled at the level of clingyness that I have developed over the past few weeks or months or so. As I reached the medical wing, I thought to myself that no relationship could ever survive if one of its parties was heavily dependent on the other to the point of debilitating, but screw that, I just almost lost him for a second time, barely made it through, sat next to him for six weeks, hoping, praying, wishing that he would make it through, and only 12 hours ago I got the answer to all my hopes, I was within my rights to feel like this, at least for a while. I got out of the car, made it to the intensive care level, and to his room. I kind of expected that I would find him asleep, I was planning on walking in, making sure he is alive and breathing, planting a quick kiss, then leaving, without waking him or Liara up. As I got closer to his room, I could see through the window that he was up, Liara was on the bed, in front him. They were both clearly having a great time, John was talking and Liara was clearly laughing as he was giving a description of something, they were probably reminiscing, after all, they both shared a beautiful bond, only siblings shared. I won’t deny that I still felt jealous that she is in with him and I am not, and a part of me still remembers that Liara had a crush on John back on the SR-1, but those feelings were buried beneath a pile of others that were just happiness that I could see John alive and well again. I stood behind a column, watching him from afar, thankfully, he couldn’t see me from this vantage point. I saw how he would smile whenever Liara was talking, I could see his attentive look as she described something to him, then I swore I could hear his laugh as they continued. It was like a heavenly choir was singing just for me, every time I heard his laugh. Off duty, John and his laugh were inseparable, and it was also extremely infectious, anyone around him didn’t stand a chance, kind of the complete antithesis of the person he is on duty, and that is one of things I loved about him. 

I didn’t realize that 15 or 20 minutes passed by till the nurse came to me and asked if I wanted a chair or something, I think my face turned to about 75 shades of red as I told her that I was about to leave. She clearly was aware of our situation, because she giggled coyly as she walked away, in a “so cute” manner. Was everybody aware of how much a teenager I was acting, it was unsettling. Anyhow, I decided that I’d better get out of there before John or Liara saw me, though I knew that Liara would find out that I was there the next day, she is the shadow broker after all. I got into the car, and drove back to the apartment, all I could think of was Shepard’s laugh, how nice it was to see it again. I was looking at the future, I imagined the great times we will have with all our friends, I saw us all hanging at our beach house, having brunch, drinking, laughing, kids running around, and remembering the day back then when we were apparently fighting giant machines called Reapers. I could see it all, I could taste the beer, smell the beach and I could definitely tell that we were happy. It was a beautiful future to look forward to and I wouldn’t want to share it with anyone else but Shepard. 

I got out of my clothes yet again, got into bed, yes again, and turned the lights off, again. This time I called c’ glyph and asked him to wake me up at 0800 standard time, basically immediately after sunrise on Ilos, as the days were a bit longer here than on earth. Before, I went to sleep, I got a datapad that was laying on the nightstand, logged into the Normandy files and opened up the picture of me and Shepard, the sunset picture, I focused closely on Shepard’s face as I said “told you we’ll make it through”. After I turned off the datapad, I finally began to drift off.

I think I slept for about 2 hours before I got up wondering whether dawn was here, it was not, to my disappointment. I was feeling annoyed, helpless and a little bored, I really wanted to be there with him, how could Liara do this to me, was she pushing me out of the picture to get to Shepard, she always had a thing for him, and now that she was the Shadow Broker, she wants to align herself with the most powerful and most loved man in the galaxy. She must have planned this for some time, she would want to get rid of me, kill me and console Shepard over my loss and in the process get his love with her asari trickery. As I looked down at my hands, my skin was turning blue, was I losing oxygen, I couldn’t breathe, something was happening to me, I felt immense pain as my skin continued its transformation, my head hurt like hell, like someone was pulling the skin off my skull. I rushed out of bed and walked, crawled to try and get help. What was happening to me, must have been the food, Liara must have arranged for her drone to poison me, I can’t believe it. I pulled myself up to a mirror to see what was happening to me, to my horror, I was no longer human, I was Asari, and not just any Asari, I was Liara. Shepard then walked into the room, but he’s at the hospital, I ran to him and said "John, I am glad you are here, help me”. He looked at me with warm eyes and said “Hey Liara, relax, I am here now”, he then took me in his arms as he said “Kaidan is gone, you are the only one for me now”.

I woke up screaming. It took me a while to realize that this was just a nightmare, that I was not poisoned, that Liara was not evil and that Shepard was not with her. It also took me a while to realize that the sun was in the middle of the sky, which meant that it was definitely past 0800. I yelled at c’ glyph “I told you to wake me at 0800”, “but Commander, your vitals led me to conclude that you didn’t complete a sleep cycle, and according to my information, it is very dangerous to wake someone before their sleep cycle is completed. Therefore, my programming wouldn’t allow me to wake you up”. I looked at him with a most irritated look and said “you know what, I finally know your name, from now on, you’re glitch, that’s because your programming has a glitch that doesn’t allow you to follow orders. Now get out of my site before I delete you completely”. I thought that I was a little harsh on the little bugger, but to be honest, I couldn’t care less how a hologram felt, I needed to get to Shepard immediately, he was probably wondering where I was, I hope he wasn’t discharged yet. I got dressed in about a sec, and practically teleported to the sky car. As I headed out, I smiled because I knew that the next time I will be back here, I wouldn’t be alone. 

The drive to the medical wing seemed to take forever, or maybe I was just too anxious. As I reached there, I left the sky car at the hospital door, prompting an Asari nurse to approach me “Sir, you can’t leave this here”, I flashed her a look of annoyance and proceeded to the elevator as she followed “Sir, sir”, I stopped looked at her, and flashed my Spectre card as I said “Spectre business, please don’t interfere”. I wasn’t sure if she would buy it, the council has been abolished, and probably the Spectres with it. She apparently didn’t get the memo, she looked shocked, apologized, then she walked away. By the time she did, the elevator reached my level, as I got to Shepard’s floor, I thought about passing quickly by the gift shop, getting flowers, seemed so cliche, but I did it anyways. As I went in, I looked at the flowers they had, they all seemed to radiate ridicule. However, I did find another gift that I thought was perfect. I took a moment to straighten my look, and proceeded to Shepard’s room, gift in hand, hoping that he would be alone, and ready to go back home with me. 

From the room window, I could see that the room was empty, John wasn’t in his bed. I got so nervous at the thought that he might have checked out without me, how could they let him go. The only logical thing to do was yell, so thats what I did, I yelled at one of the Asari nurses as they scrambled to find out what happened. We searched the room top to bottom, bathroom and all, but Shepard wasn’t there. The nurses were mystified, the last nurse to see him said that he was there about 15 minutes earlier, and she was sure he didn’t check out or leave the hospital. I practically lost it on every member of the staff “How can you lose a patient”. Suddenly, I remembered that I still have access to the room’s surveillance system, I brought it up on my omni-tool, Shepard apparently had a visitor about ten minutes ago, an old krogan, Wrex. The feed showed Shepard getting out of bed, barely able to walk, getting out of the room while leaning on Wrex. I told the nurse that I needed the feed from the entire medical wing linked to my omni-tool immediately. After a short debate about security measures, and Spectre status, I was interrupted by Liara saying “I know where he is Kaidan, Lets go”. Liara proceeded to the structure’s roof, a place that, if I wasn’t so agitated, would have been a great spot to view the entire base, with trees going as far as the eye could see, and the conduit clearly visible on the horizon. A little to the left, I could see Shepard, sitting on a rock, with Wrex sitting next to him. They were clearly talking about something serious, Shepard was throwing rocks into the horizon and Wrex was crushing them in his hands. 

I angrily walked over to both of them and started to yell “You have got to be freakin kiddin  
me, What the hell are you doing up here, I have been worried sick about you”. Wrex looked up to me and said “oh, thats so nice sweetheart, but I don’t like to be followed”, I shot him a cold stare and said “And you, you got him out of bed, you know that he just woke up from a coma, do you want to kill him, because that could’ve happened”. Shepard looked at me with a mysterious gaze and said “Kai, we were just up for fresh air. Just relax, I am fine see”, Shepard tried to stand up on his own, but wiggled a little and fell back down. I immediately rushed in, took his arm and helped him up, “we are going back down now, and you will not leave my sight”. We finally made it back to the room, I didn’t speak one word to John as I put him back in bed. It was clear he sensed my anguish and felt guilty, so he said “Kai, I am sorry”. I looked at him in anger as I adjusted his pillows and proceeded to walk away, I wasn't planning on leaving or anything, but I think he felt that I was leaving the room. He said “hey, don’t you miss me”, I stopped at the edge of the bed, eyes wetting up, I didn’t look back, infact I looked away from him, I did miss him, more than anything in the world. He then added “Kai, you know I missed you a lot right”, even though he was clearly making it up, he was in a coma, for him I was just there 2 days ago, but still, I couldn’t be mad, I really missed him and I really wanted to hug him badly, so I turned around, wrapped my arms around his beautiful large neck as I kissed him passionately. The kiss lasted a while, I did really miss him and I just didn’t want this moment to end. 

“Well, this was……ok”, I looked at John and said “Ok, are you sure you didn’t smack your head too hard, Nurse, Nurse, we need a check up here”, I laughed as John pulled me back in, this time I was laying on his lap as he planted an even more heated kiss, it was heavenly, I think fireworks flew out from all around us. My hand was on his neck, steadying him, making sure he doesn’t pull away. This kiss lasted even longer than the first one, and was only interrupted when his hand went for my junk. “John, not here”, “c’mon Kai, no one is around, and even if, they don’t care if I do this”, he reached out and grabbed it again. I decided to get out of reach, not because I didn’t want him to do so, but because I was actually getting turned on by it, and it has been a long time since I, well, unloaded.

“Ok, settle down Shepard, we will have plenty time for that later”, I said with a chuckle and a smile, “Oh Kai, you are such a prude”. “Well forgive me for wanting a sense of decency when we walk out of here”. His expression still showed the “don’t care” look, which I must admit was super cute. I grabbed a chair and sat next to the bed, “So, Mr. Galaxy saviour, how’s your day been so far”, “well, I was expecting my boyfriend to come earlier, but when my boyfriend didn’t show up, I had to leave the room before my boyfriend showed up, so that my boyfriend could look for me…..Boyfriend”. Clearly he was in love with the word, I swallowed a chuckle as I said “I am sorry who is it you are talking about”, “MY BOYFRIEND”, he said yelling it in my face. 

Through all that John and I have been through, I guess it was nice to see that he hasn’t lost some of his abilities, like his ability to make me laugh, and his ability to make me forgive him for anything. Even through our toughest times, the problem wasn’t that I didn’t forgive John, I always did, but sometimes I needed to get over my personal grievances before I could have him back. I found this out the day I saw John on the Horizon, which was both one of the best and one of the worst days of my life. The day the SR-1 was destroyed, I too went down along with it, not in the literal sense. I remember pushing people into the escape pods, then John threw me into one before I could even tell him that I loved him, and in an instant, I saw the Normandy cut in half. Luckily, I also spotted an escape pod getting out of there mere seconds before the beam hit. I was certain that Shepard and Joker were in that pod. All the escape pods headed for the planet. After we landed safely, I patiently, and anxiously waited for the last pod to land. I could see it coming in, I could see the landing thrusters firing up, and I could see it slowly coming to a stop. As it pressurized, I ran as fast as I could to see what happened to John, my mind was wondering whether he was injured, whether he lost a limb, I even wondered if he was conscious or not, the one thing I didn’t think of was if he was in there, because I was so sure he was. The pod doors opened as soon as I reached it, I saw Joker inside, badly bruised, and thought Shepard must be too, but I couldn’t find him. For a minute there, my mind couldn’t process the fact that he wasn’t in there, I looked at Joker with mystery in my eyes, I just didn’t get it. Joker looked sad, he couldn’t even look into my eyes, he didn’t need to say anything because I knew it all. Reality struck like an asteroid, my brain went into overdrive trying to process this information. I fell to the floor as I felt all the blood drain away, and get replaced only by everlasting pain, he was not in there.

By the time an Alliance vessel came by to pick us up, I was in a full blown psychotic break. I didn’t talk, I didn’t react, I was a motionless body. I thought of all the times I had with John, how happy I was for the last few months. I also thought of how the last thing I told him, the last thing I told the man that I was truly falling deeply in love with was “I hate you”, and his last words were “I love you”. I was catatonic, they had to carry me to the shuttle, and I spent the whole trip back to the citadel lying in the Med bay, not saying a word. Joker came by, and some of the other crew members dropped by, but I was a lifeless jerk who told the man he loved that he hated him a couple of hours before he died. 

Truly the citadel has good medicine, Huerta memorial is a great facility, but they can’t heal what they don’t understand, and my state, was not that of body, but of mind. They brought me people to talk to me, psychiatrists from earth, physicians from all around the galaxy, even an Asari neurologist who tried to link with me to get a sense of what I was going through, she screamed the moment she touched me, I guess she really knew what I was going through. After about 2 or 3 days, Liara passed by, she said something about not being here sooner, and how she hated seeing me like this, but what came next is what was important, she said that she can use her Asari neural link to block the pain, then let it slowly seep through, to make it more manageable, she said that she knew I couldn’t talk, but that she was doing it anyway. As Liara touched my face, her eyes met mine and they started to glow, she was slowly screaming, with every second the screams got louder as my pain suddenly started to feel numb. I felt the blood slowly returning to my face. Liara’s mind trick apparently succeeded, I could remember what happened, but I had no feelings linked to it. My comprehension abilities returned, my mouth was able to speak again and I felt my body’s extremities again. When I had my full attention back, I looked around and saw Liara passed out on the floor, shaking uncontrollably. I called for help, and she eventually regained consciousness about 3 hours later. 

After I was checked and cleared, I decided to go back to earth, I needed to speak with Hannah, and I needed time to recover. Even with the mind block, I still remember everything vividly, I remember the pain all too clearly, how every morning I would wake up, half expecting that both me and John were on a trip here on earth, I would rush out of bed, look around every room, expecting that the next corner is the last turn before I found him, but in vain. I remember how I used to wake up in the middle of the night screaming at the dream I just had, the dream where Shepard died aboard the SR-1, only to realize that this was a memory. I remember the day I realized that I forgot his voice, I forgot how he sounded like, it was the day I also realized that inevitably John Shepard will become nothing more than a faded memory, the day will come when I will not only forget his voice, but his face, his eyes, his breath, his taste, his touch and everything that made him the man he was. John, the man who gave me everything, was soon going to mean nothing to me, and I couldn’t do anything to stop it. It was a cruel cold truth, and what made it even worse was the fact that when we were together, I was so wrapped by John’s love that I didn’t even realize that I was slowly getting over my relationship disabilities, I didn’t know that for the first time in my life, I was actually falling in love, real love. I took John for granted, and I never got a chance to truly appreciate him, I blamed myself for that everyday till I saw him on the Horizon. 

It took a lot to get over John’s death, for a soldier, though we see death almost every day on the field, it just wasn’t the same. I spent a total of 6 months on earth, most of it was in my Vancouver home, and most of the time, I didn’t even leave the bed. I got visits from Liara, Joker, even Garrus stopped by once or twice. All I would hear from them though is that I need to look back and “celebrate his life”, he was a hero, I needed to remember that. It was all a big pile of crap, I don’t care about how he was, I wanted him here. At the height of my misery, I remember I went out one night to a bar to pick up a girl, I thought that this would help me move on, at least a therapist did. As soon as I got there, I knew it was a mistake, I eventually found myself picking a guy with the same body features as John, taking him home, and as we were just about to start, I started to cry hysterically. The guy freaked out and immediately left, and I layed there in bed for 3 days. I was hoping that if I could have someone that barely resembles John, if I could close my eyes and pretend, maybe that would help me, but I was wrong, this experience brought back more pain and than good. I spent 6 months on earth in total agony, but as life always does, it moved on, and I had to too. After getting my pain to bearable or at least a level that would allow me to function like an adequate soldier, I asked to be assigned back to active duty, maybe then I would have the distraction I needed. The last night on earth, I was recalled to San Francisco, the city that John lived in when he was on earth. I remember him mentioning that he had an apartment somewhere on the bay, so I tracked it down, and went for a visit. Getting in was easy, staying in was the hard part, looking around John’s apartment, every inch reminded me of him, if there wasn’t a picture, then a sweater or something else. After going around his place, I took only one thing, an old set of his dog tags. John had once told me that he would have wanted to be buried at sea because it symbolizes both home and freedom to him. I walked out of the apartment building headed for the bay, and prepared to fulfill his wish. I looked at the dog tags in my hand and though of how much I wanted him “you were all I had at times, you were the reason to fight, we had the best time, but time was taken from us, it is unfair Shepard. But I will always remember you. Goodbye John, give them hell up there”. It was a painful goodbye, but it brought me peace.

For the next year and a half, I buried myself in my work, I became unstoppable, a force known to many as the blue reaper. Assassins fell down because of me, mercs dispersed, terrorist groups didn’t stand a chance. I even came up against Aria herself and I could tell she was afraid. I became a soulless machine, Spectres told tales about what I did, well, not to that extent, but I was brutal. After one of my many excursions, I returned to the Citadel, debriefed Anderson, then headed back to my apartment. I was preparing for a night of mission reports and field reviews, but fate had other plans. As I went through my messages, I found one from Liara, assuming its one of her many weekly check ins, I ignored it. About an hour later, a knock on the door revealed that the email Liara sent said that she was dropping by today. I looked surprised at Liara, she wasn’t surprised at all, in fact, she practically brushed me aside as she made her way to the couch. “Kaidan, I am here to talk to you”, she had a serious tone to her words, something was bothering her, and I could tell it wasn’t something simple, “Kaidan, its been 2 years since..”, “Liara, I don’t have time to discuss this”, she looked determined “Kaidan, you can’t hide forever, what you are doing to yourself, what you’re doing to the people you care about”, “Liara, I can’t deal with this right now, I have reports to view and missions to file, please, if you have anything else, please say it, if not, then I must ask you leave”. I turned away from her, I didn’t want to see her face, I was sure she was hurting, but she kept going on “How long must it be Kaidan, how long will you keep doing this to yourself, and to us. It doesn’t matter, I am here to tell you that I will be going back to Nos Astra for good. I can’t take what you are doing to yourself, and I can’t help you if you don’t want it”. Liara stood up, walked over to my side, and kissed me on the cheek as she said “may the goddess have mercy upon you, Kaidan, I will pray that you find peace. Good bye Kaidan”. Liara left the Citadel that night for good, but her words left a burning hole in my soul. All I remember that night was the blue haze of my biotics kicking in, then a tornado of destruction followed by a blackout. After I saw the damage I did, the next morning, I realized that, even after 2 years, the force that was brewing inside me, the power that I am currently wielding is stemming from my pain, a pain that hasn’t gone away in 2 years.

A few weeks after Liara’s visit, I was summoned to Anderson’s office. As I walked in, I was half expecting him to comment on my last mission, or to give me pointers on my next one. But nothing would have prepared me for what the counselor had to say. Once Anderson saw me, he motioned me to take a seat on the couch nearby, he came over and took the seat next to me. “Kaidan, what I have to ask you is not easy”, his face was deeply troubled, it wasn’t something I saw before, and was incredibly unsettling. “There have been rumors, reports circulating”, he paused again as he contemplated what to say next, “Councilor, what's going on”, “Kaidan, the reports indicate that Cerberus has a new agent”, “So, Cerberus has many new agents, do you want me to go after this agent”. Anderson summoned all the strength he had as he said “Kaidan, its Shepard, the new agent is Shepard”. I felt the weight of the entire Milky way fall over my shoulders, I wasn’t sure what my reaction was, but it certainly took me a lot to not break down. “Sh, Sh, Shepard, the reports are saying that John Shepard is still...but thats not possible, Anderson, John died, John died 2 years ago on the SR-1”. Anderson looked sorrowful as he said “ I know, I know Kaidan, I believed so too until the reports came in this morning”, “ its a decoy, or a clone or something, c’mon Anderson, we had many fake Shepards over the last year or so, whats new”, “Kaidan, this report came from Liara, its not a fake”. Liara, was she trying to tell me that the day she came over, no, not possible, none of this is possible. “Kaidan, I know how much Shepard meant to you, and how much you meant to him, thats why, I am forced to ask you: has he contacted you”. I got up to leave as I said “this is a joke”, Anderson came after me as he said “Kaidan Listen”, “No, you listen Anderson, John Shepard was an honorable man, he gave up his life to save his crew, he almost died saving the entire galaxy, and I won’t, I won’t allow you to accuse him, to tarnish his reputation. I won’t, and if these rumors don’t stop, god help me”, I turned around, activated my biotic, lifted a table and smashed it into a wall. While my biotics were active I turned to Anderson and said “John Shepard is a hero to all of us, and a memory”.

I left Anderson’s office with a blind rage, not because I thought for an instance that Shepard was actually alive, but because I wanted to obliterate that imposter that has been pretending to be Shepard. If that piece of shit knew anything, it was that John Shepard would never work for Cerberus, he fought them out since their inception, its just ridiculous. I made my way back to my apartment, casually proceeded to destroy the place, yet again, but eventually cooled down. As I sat in the ruins of my newly renovated apartment, I decided to give Liara a call. The omni tool glowed to signify the connection process, however, Liara didn’t answer, which prompted me to leave her a very high toned, very charged message, something along the lines of “I can’t believe that you would go so far as to say that Shepard is alive, not only that, but to actually insinuate that he was working for Cerberus, How dare you”. For the next few days, I made it my mission to find this imposter Shepard and burn him to the ground, tear him apart molecule by molecule, but apparently he went silent. By the third day I was getting desperate, so I did what I always do when I am desperate, I called Liara, this time I left a completely different message, the complete antithesis of the first one I left. I was collapsing, it was too much for me to handle, with each fake Shepard, I get more and more discouraged to continue. The first time a rumor came out that Shepard was alive was on Omega about 3 months after the attack, I rushed over there, truly expecting to see John, thinking that he made it out alive somehow, he’s been through worse odds. It turned out to be an imposter, someone that created a poorly constructed, poorly replicated N7 suit and pretended he was John to bully his way on Omega. The moment I found out the truth, I yanked off the suit, disassembled it into about a million pieces then left him with a permanent scar that said “I am not, nor will I ever be, John Shepard”. Over the next 2 years we saw a lot of impostors, we even found a clone that had no memory of who he was. We identified it only when the citadel sensors picked up the anomaly in his dna, thankfully I wasn’t there when this happened, I couldn’t imagine what would have happened to me if I saw a clone of John.

A day after leaving Liara that timid message, I got a call from Anderson asking me to head out to the Horizon settlement, apparently, the Alliance gathered intel that Cerberus might be heading there next and they wanted prepare for an attack. He ordered me to prepare the base’s defence matrix and supervise the installation of a ground cannon. Anderson didn’t mention any Shepards during the call, which was a great sign. I prepared to move out that same day, I checked my messages, nothing from Liara so far, so I just moved out. This was a great opportunity to beat Cerberus once more and to give them hell for all the Shepard impersonators they sent out during the last 2 years. As I made my way to the shuttle bay, I kept thinking about all the ways I will kick Cerberus’s ass, but not for a second did I imagine what I was about to see next. 

Within a few hours I made it to the Horizon, and started working on the defenses. It took the collectors about a week to attack, and we were unprepared. As the seeker swarms encroached, and humans were falling left and right, I was able to protect myself with a biotic shield that prevented the stasis from taking over. For hours I waited, I observed the Collector ship land and I saw the collectors walking out and gathering the humans that were stunned. I needed to do something, formulate a plan, there was no way I could take on the entire ship by myself, and I can’t just sit around and wait for the alliance to send over reinforcements, it will be too late by then. I didn’t know how, but I knew that my only hope was to get the cannon operational and have it target the ship, I can’t save all, but I can at least save some. As I sat there, figuring out the best way to get to the cannon’s main room, I heard the loud roar of an ensuing battle, and it seemed intense. I was mystified, was there soldiers still awake, I knew that no one on the base possesed biotic shielding tech except me, but maybe some soldiers hid somewhere and waited for the right time to attack, which means I need to join them, but what if this is something else, what if it was Cerberus fighting off the collectors for their own gain. I needed intel, so I moved closer to the battlefield, and as I did I saw something that made my heart skip about a lifetime of beats, Shepard.

On the battlefield, right there in front of a large collector Praetorian, John Shepard, or at least a decent version of him, was there battling the beast. There was something different about this imposter, he had all the traditional kicks that John had, his movement, his hand gestures, even his fighting style. Never before have I seen a replica of John with such accuracy, and never one so hot. Before I allowed myself to dream, I needed to know what was going on. After discovering that Cerberus created a Shepard clone, we developed handheld scanning devices that can approximate the accuracy of the subject’s DNA to about one of one billionth of one percent, this accuracy level can accurately identify whether the subject was a clone or a look a like. This scanner was not intended to identify fake John Shepards, we knew he was dead, but for making sure Cerberus doesn’t clone any official members and replace them to benefit its agenda. As the scanner was processing the information, I couldn’t take my eyes of the battlefield Shepard, he was perfect in every way, his body was right, his eyes were the same as John’s, even the way he held the gun was the same. I couldn’t wait any longer, I did something that I had been fiercely avoiding since the SR-1 went down, hoping that John was alive.

The battle raged on for a while as I kept observing this man, I don’t know how, but my heart kind of knew before my head did, a flame inside me reignited at the sight of my one and true love, it was a feeling I hoped would never go away, a feeling I wanted to hold on to forever. The scanner finally had results, I was too worried to look, I didn’t want to go through the hell of it all again. To my surprise, for the first time in 2 years, the scanner came back inconclusive. The distance was too great to get an accurate reading, this meant that I needed to get up close to this John. After the battle ended, I stood in the shadows, carefully monitoring every move and every word said. I saw something that shocked me even more, Garrus was with this Shepard. I haven’t heard from Garrus in a long time, but seeing him there, I know that he wasn’t an idiot to follow a fake Shepard, and he wasn’t a traitor too, so something must be going on, I was determined to find out. John did exactly what I was planning to do, he activated the cannon and targeted the Ship, a move that only John Shepard could pull off. I listened to him talk to that engineer, I listened to how sorry he was he couldn’t save the crew, and how guilty he felt, all signs pointed to the fact that this was the John I knew, but there were gaps. I needed to confront him, I needed to find out if its really him, if it was, where was he for the past 2 years, what happened, how come there are rumors of him and Cerberus, a million questions were going through my mind, and only one person could answer them.

“Commander Shepard, Captain of the Normandy, the first human spectre, saviour of the citadel, you’re in the presence of a legend Delan, and a ghost”. I stood there, in front of the man I loved, the man I used to love, the one soul that could have me in a state where I am the happiest I have been and the saddest. I looked carefully at this man in front of me, and I knew immediately, even before the scanner results that this was the real John. I hugged him tightly, contemplating first whether I should kiss him or not, I decided not. As we hugged, I got a whiff of his scent, it brought back memories, both happy and painful memories, but I could have stayed in this moment forever, but I remembered, this is not the same man I fell for, maybe externally he is, but he is Cerberus now, something totally against what John stood for. I pulled back as he tried to hold on. “So the rumors are true, the great John Shepard is alive”, John looked at me with a look of remorse in his eyes, from one sentence he knew what I had inside me, he could sense my pain. “You don’t seem too happy to see me Kaidan, something bothering you”, I was sure he was kidding as I said “Yeah Shepard, something is bothering, where the hell have you been for the last 2 years, why didn’t you try to contact me”, he tried to explain but I didn’t let him “do you have any idea what I’ve been through, what happened to me since the SR-1, how could you do that to me, after all we’ve been through, after all the things you knew about me, you couldn’t even call to let me know that you are ok, or did you just not care anymore about me”. “Kaidan, I was unconscious since the attack, I was brought back by Cerberus and only woke up a couple of weeks ago, you know I would never do something like that to you”. “I don’t know what I know anymore, the rumors were true, that means you are working for Cerberus”, I stepped back in shock as it dawned on me, Shepard tried to explain his situation, Garrus even chimed in, to which I gave a glare of disapproval. John finally said “Kaidan, you know I would only do this for the right reasons, you know me well Kaidan”, “Really, then why did I have to hear about all this from Anderson, I thought he was joking when he told me the rumors, apparently he was right all along. I can’t believe it”. “Anderson knew I was alive”, “Yeah, he stonewalled me in his office the other day, thought that you might have tried to contact me, given our history, he didn’t know that you were over me”, John took a step forward as I took a step back, he held my arms and looked straight into my eyes with his beautiful eyes that held an ocean of sorrow as he said “Kaidan, things may change, but the one thing that will never change is how much I love you”, and he kissed me with one of his most romantic, most passionate kisses. I could feel my heart melt away, and I felt myself already forgiving him, but no, this was not over, he is with Cerberus for crying out loud, this is not the same John. I pulled away as I said “get off me, you think it is that easy Shepard, I moved on, it took me a while but I did and I am seeing someone now, I just couldn’t have waited forever, Goodbye Shepard”. He grabbed my arm and said “Kaidan, I could use someone like you on the Normandy, it’ll be just like old times”, “Never, maybe you lost your way John, but I am an Alliance soldier and I know where my loyalties lie, I will never work for Cerberus, and I will never work for you”. As I left, I felt the despair in his look, I turned my back and walked, knowing that he watched every move. 

I heard John call for the Normandy, and, from a distance, I saw him leave on the shuttle. I knew that I needed to vent a little before I headed back, so I did. I let out a wave of rage like never before, not only was John alive, but he chose not to get in touch with me, not to call or send a message to let me know he was fine, and to top it off, he was working for the enemy. To me, John died along with the SR-1, and this new person was not him. But a part of me wanted him back so bad, a small part was screaming out to him, screaming out to have him back, screaming to have those amazing times back. I realized after seeing John on the Horizon that I wasn’t over him, that I’ll never truly be over him, because the simple fact is, John Shepard had my heart, and never gave it back.

Back at Ilos, seeing John sitting in bed in front of me, alive and well, was more than I could ask for. I smiled at him as he looked at me in confusion “Why are you smiling?”, “what, I can’t smile”, “No, you can smile, just not that creepy smile you have on”. He was back, John was back, and I so was I. After all we have been through, after all the drama, the fighting and the deaths we have been through, after it all, I still got John back, and I was looking to an amazing future with him, those brunches on the beach, kids running around, people sitting and having fun with John and I, I saw all of that in his eyes, I saw the future that I have dreamed of for a long time, and finally, it seemed possible. 

John was in a great mood, and naturally so was I. “So, what was wrex talking to you about”, “Ehh, nothing much, his new role and responsibilities, did you know that he is going to name his first born Shep”, “Yeah, awful name, so tacky and just bluukh”, “yeah right, cause Alenko is a better name, Alenko, sounds like something you take when you have a muscle spasm”, “Oh I’ll show you a muscle spasm”, I jumped on the bed and grabbed him for a quickie. It felt like I could never get bored of tasting John, and I was grateful that every time was like the first time. 

We had a few hours before the doctor would tell us if it is ok for John to go home, so we sat and talked a while, mostly about what happened, I wanted to know what went on after I saw the reaper beam hit him. “John, not that I am not grateful that you are alive and here with me now, because I am”, “you want to know how I survived the beam”, it never gets old, how he could just pick up a thought I have in my mind without me saying it out loud, “well Kai, I really don’t know, one minute I saw the light coming towards me, the other I am on the floor, very much alive, it was weird too, because I remember the light from the beam surrounding me, but something like a shield was protecting me, and I know it wasn’t the suit. Maybe the Reaper wasn’t trying to kill me, maybe just incapacitate me”. John’s story sounded weird, I was grateful, but how is it he wasn’t dead. “Ok, but what happened after that”, “What I remember is that I made it to the transport, got up to the Citadel, I remember confronting an indoctrinated illusive man, that was more husk than man, then i met with a VI that was apparently hidden in the Citadel the whole time, and controls all the reapers. It talked about how the reapers restore balance by eliminating more advanced societies and allowing new ones to grow. It then gave me a choice, either destroy the reapers, control them, or create a hybrid organic/synthetic being. I didn’t trust the other two choices, so I chose to destroy the whole thing and have a fresh start. The rest is history. What I don’t get is how did I survive the Citadel’s destruction”. “You made it back to earth somehow, and your suit’s VI kept you shielded and in stasis, you were almost gone when we found you”, “let me guess, you used the tags to find me”, “wait, how did you know that, I thought nobody told you what happened”, “its what I would have done”. I smiled a little, knowing that my ideas were the same as the great John Shepard’s was exciting. 

John smiled back at me as he said “So you love me huh”, I looked stunned by the question, was it a trick, “What do you mean”, “I mean you really love me, like reading stories to me while I am out love, or not leaving the room for six week love, that kinda of love”, I blushed a little, how did he know that, “Well, I don’t love you that much, maybe just a smidge below that”, “well, I love you too Mr. Muscle Relaxer, and there ain’t nothing you can do about it”. I looked into John’s eyes, and for a second there, all the hell I’ve been through, seeing the Reaper beam hit him, searching for him, not knowing if we’ll find him alive for several days, passing the deadline with no luck, having him, but having no way to revive him, and finally waiting for him to wake up, if he would, all that came crashing down on me when I looked into his eyes, and for the first time, it all weighed in on me. I broke down in tears as I collapsed on John’s chest, I never felt this vulnerable before, but I also never felt this scared or worried before. John took me in his arms and just kept stroking me gently, I had my ear on his chest, and I listened to every heart beat, worrying that it might be the last. It was a while before I was able to talk again, during that time John didn’t say a word, he just held me and slowly tried to calm me. I never thought of myself as a weak person, or as someone who would breakdown this easily, but for weeks I have been holding in this storm of emotions and saving it for the best or the worst, and now the best has happened and I needed to vent out, I needed to let out all my fears, and let go. “I am sorry, I just lost it for a minute”, as I tried to get up, John’s hand kept me in place as he said “Stay here for a while Kai, I really need this”. It was an invitation I gladly accepted, I put my head back on his chest as I said “I really thought I lost you John, I don’t know what I would have done if I did, I couldn’t go through it all again”, “I know, I know Kai, but I am here now, and I will be for a long time”, John lifted my head and looked directly in my eyes as he said “Kai, we will grow old together, we will have all that you ever wanted, we will have the house on the beach, the kids, the sunday barbecues”, “brunches”, “brunches are lame, we will have barbecues, and we will be together for years and years to come, do you hear me”. 

One of those long lost mysteries I always wanted to solve is the reason behind the feeling I get when I am in John’s arms, its a general warmth, coupled with comfort, safety and above all love. Because of my biotics, I get periodical migraines that are so devastating that some leave me debilitated for days, it was a symptom that I experienced for years. I learned that if I caught the onset of the headaches early on, sat in a cold shower for some time then slept in complete blackness for a few hours, the migraine becomes more tolerable. However, on the Normandy, finding a spot with these specifications was hard, I often found myself ending up in the med bay because I would literally pass out in the middle of the hallway from the pain. A few weeks after John and I started dating, I got my first migraine, and from the looks of it, this was going to be a big one. In order to prevent another passing out incident, I decided to do something I hated, ask John for a favor; if I could crash in his cabin for a few hours, I may make it past the tough part and then just withstand the follow up. The pain was getting worse as I made my way to John’s cabin, by the time I knocked at his door, the episode was at it climax, and I literally collapsed in John’s arm. John seemed worried, he had never seen one of my episodes before and obviously he never dealt with anything like it, so with all the strength I could gather, I asked him if I could stay in his cabin for a while, “of course Kai, just tell me what you need”, “cold water…..dark room”. John got the hint, he dimmed the lights in the room, got me under his shower, then he waited a while until I could talk again. “John, I need to get to a bed, please take me back to my bed”, John shaked his head angrily “you’re staying here for the night Kai”. I was too tired to argue, and quite honestly, I was hoping for that to happen. John got me out of my wet clothes, I smiled and said “you just have to make up excuses to get me naked”, he laughed and said, “well, you give me a lot of reason to do so”. I got into John’s bed, laid down as he covered me and tucked me in, “John, stay with me, please”. John proceeded to take off his clothes, then he jumped in bed next to me, I found myself putting his arm around me, and laying my head on his chest. This was the most comfortable position for me, his warmth was doing wonders for me, feeling his slightly hairy chest move up and down just below my cheeks was another great feeling, and I have to admit, both of us laying there naked, its a bit of a turn on, even with a strong migraine. I slept in John’s arms the entire night, it was like his strength was helping me heal, his support was helping in many ways, even his scent provided comfort that was much needed. The next morning, I woke up, migraine free, with John sleeping next to me. For the next few minutes, I just sat there and watched him sleep. This time, I was lying on my stomach, chin to his chest and eyes fixated on his face, I just wanted to watch him sleep, he looked so peaceful, so simple, you couldn’t tell that this guy was a reaper slayer. The beautiful moment was interrupted by an uninvited but welcomed guest, John’s morning wood. Let’s just say as a thank you, John woke up in a pretty unusual manner that day.  
Back on Ilos, John’s words meant a lot to me, for him to know what I want most, and to reaffirm it, this meant that he was serious about us together, and that was all I ever wanted from him, even though he has given me a lot more. I layed there in his arms for what seemed like an eternity, just dreaming of the days to come. After a few minutes I found myself overwhelmed with emotion that I needed to get up. “Hey where are you going Kai?” John asked as I got up from his side, “I am going to find out when the hell can I take you back home”, “Kai, the Dr. said in a few hours they’ll know if it is safe for me to go home today, just let them do their jobs, in the meantime, get back here now”. “fine, but I am keeping my distance from you, I know this mode you’re in, and its nothing but trouble”. John shot back a smirk, he liked the fact that I knew him well, basically, in a while, John’s hand would slowly but definitely make its way down my back and into my pants, this always happens no matter where we are, don’t get me wrong, when needed, John can be there emotionally there, but he usually prefers to be immature about it.

“You know Kai, you really need to loosen up a little, enjoy all aspects of life. When was the last time you went skinny dipping, not in your own private pool, or did someone in public - that time on the CIC doesn’t count, the doors were locked, it was practically a large bedroom - or even kissed me in front of everyone without blushing. You have to let go and set yourself free”. As John said the last sentence, he lifted his robe to reveal his package, completely exposing everything. To be honest the view was making me a little tight down there, I have missed John Shepard Jr. and hadn’t seen him for a while, but still, what if anyone walked in, it would be very inappropriate for them to see John like that. 

That was one of our biggest issues when we were going out together; while I love John to death, he is very free spirited, he is very serious when it comes to his career, and he is serious when our relationship needs it, but other than that, he is this horny teenager that just never pipes down. At some point it was like having a dog that literally humps everything and everyone he sees, and for me it was overwhelming at many times, especially if I feel I can’t satisfy him, which he assures me isn’t the case. I always wondered how he could be such a serious commander, and an amazing one at that, and yet be such a goof on the side, he said that he liked to work hard, and play hard, and both need not mix. One thing John always made clear to me is that I will never receive any special treatment just because I am his partner, not that I was asking for any, he told me countless times when we started going out that if I should made anything worth reprimanding, he will make sure that I get the most fair judgement from him and the consequences would be the same as for any other crew mate. I respected that of him, and I told him that I would want nothing more than to be like any other crew mate. But when the table was reversed, when I was the person judging him, I didn’t think of it as objectively as I should have, I didn’t take in the facts, I just saw a partner that betrayed me and left me to work for a terrorist organization. 

“Ok Shepard, we get it, you like to expose yourself in public, now cover up before someone sees you and thinks you have more brain trauma, then we’ll never get you home, and to be honest with you, if I don’t have you tonight, I just might start looking somewhere else”, I came close to his ears and said “I have been holding it in for you for six weeks”. I could see John getting excited at the thought, I could literally see it, but he eventually covered it up. “Ok, till the Dr. gives us the OK to go home, lets go through some of your emails, we have about a billion to sort and reply too”. “Ok, let’s see what we have here”. I wanted to start with Shepard’s private email then the Normandy’s.

“Ok, we have thank you, thank you, we owe you, I want you, ok thats a delete, then more thank yous, lets see if we can send all the thank yous a general message, do you have something in mind you wanted to say”, John thought for a moment then said “Just make sure that people know that while I am extremely honored to be whatever they want me to be, I am still an Alliance soldier who was just doing his sworn duty”, “Well, look at you all humble and sweet, that’s my partner ladies and gentleman”, “it’s boyfriend Kai, say it”, “fine, fine, John, my……..friend who happens to be a boy”. John leaped off of his bed and grabbed me in a headlock while saying “I am warning you Kai, don’t mess with me”, “Ok, jeez, boyfriend, my boyfriend everyone”. John released me, kissed me passionately then returned back to bed. “You know Kai, one of these days you will learn to be more loose with me”. John’s determination was relentless, but I was not the guy he was looking for, I am uptight, I am private with my emotions and I have been, and always will be this way. I have had some deviations from this rule, some with the greatest of outcomes, one experience in particular stood out as the most not me action I have ever taken.

My mind wandered back to that night, that very first night me and John slept together. It was truly a night of wonder and amazing. Many of our crew thought that me and John slept together long before that night, and in a sense we did, but the actual night that it happened was the night John was cleared out of med bay after the fall of Sovereign. All the nights we had before that night was just foreplay, mostly hand, and some head play, there was some really minor butt play, but no penetration up until this point. John has made it very clear that he wanted to go ahead and drill me several times, but until this point I have resisted, I was just not ready emotionally to handle an intimate relationship. When I realized that John had survived the attack on the Citadel, when I saw how worried I was about his safety and how much I suffered at the thought of losing him, I knew that the time has come to allow someone in, literally. After John was released, I knew that he needed a place to stay, so I invited him to my apartment in the Wards, which was not affected by the attack and was a great place for us to crash. Naturally, once John arrived, he assumed that he would be sleeping in my guest room, and I thought this much, but as soon as he was settled in there, I knew that I wanted him in my bed, I wanted to sleep next to him, I knew I was ready for that. 

While I was preparing dinner, John jumped in the kitchen to let me know that he was going to take a quick shower, “mmmm, smells good Kaidan, what are you cooking us?”, “Italian tonight, meatballs and spaghetti”, “well looks and smell great”. As he went, something started inside me, like a fire, an overwhelming desire that I wanted John right now. Without even thinking, I found myself taking off the apron, then heading into the guest room, taking off my clothes then joining John in the shower. I could tell from the look on John’s face that he was pleasantly surprise, he said “well, now thats a welcome”. The warm water felt great as it acted like a lubricant between us, it was great feeling John’s rock hard body, his amazing cock and his strong thighs rub against my own, in a matter of seconds, I found myself falling down to my knees and taking in John’s dick in my mouth. The best part about John’s cock is that it was well defined, you can find your way around it, and so can my tongue. I had learned from him some small techniques that I used, my tongue would linger for several seconds at his tight frenulum, my teeth would brush the head of his dick and my mouth would take in all the meat he has to offer. Maybe because I was relieved he was alive, or maybe I was truly ready, but John’s dick never tasted this good before, I just wanted to suck on it the whole night, but at some point John said that he was about to explode so I told him “No, wait, you’ll ruin the surprise”. John did look surprised, I usually just continued to rub him at this point till he lost it, but tonight was the start of something different. So, to cool him off, I told him to turn around, put one leg on the edge of the tub, and to push his ass out. I was usually very fond of John’s ass, but I never explored it before, he explored mine once or so, but again nothing worth mentioning. This time, I told John that I wanted to rim him, I wanted to use my tongue and go deep, he enthusiastically agreed. My tongue went in and out, up and down, I remember sucking his perfectly shaped balls for a while too. 

The shower scene went on for a while, but that was just foreplay. I dragged John out of the shower, dried him and myself up, then took him to the bed. Before we sat down, I kissed him passionately, as I said “ok, ok John, I am ready”. Shepard looked confused, his confusion melted as I laid on bed, on my stomach, with my ass wide open in the air. To make matters clear, I told him “but slow, I have never done this before”. John stood there, thinking it over, wondering if this was a trick or some sort of confusion, to make sure he said “are you sure about this Kaidan, we can wait if you want to, I don’t want you to feel pressured”, “I don’t, I want to feel you inside me Shepard, I am ready for this, have been for a while”. John need not be told twice, in a second he jumped on the bed and proceeded to open my ass up. Feeling John’s hand on my cheek in itself was intoxicating, then, before he did anything, he proceeded to rim me, after he made sure I was well lubricated with his saliva, he pushed in a finger, just enough to make way for his other member. Once he was satisfied I was ready, John turned me on my back, positioned himself above me, then in a slow but definite move, he proceeded to push himself inside of me. At first I felt extreme pain, I had a feeling my rectum was about to be torn by John’s massive member, as I closed my eyes in agony, John told me to look into his eyes, he told me that he loves me and then proceeded to kiss me as he pushed himself deeper in me. It took a while, what seemed like forever, for John to reach his end, but he finally did, and for a moment I realized what was happening, at that point, I had an important piece of John Shepard inside me, I had what is his form of love within my body, and I wanted that. John proceeded with a rhythm, at points he thrusted, and others he went slow, but it was like a song, some parts you have the tip and sometimes you go deep, either way you get the whole thing. One of the feelings that I would love is when John’s entire dick was inside me and I could feel his balls against my ass, it was just an amazing feeling. The session lasted for quite a while, but when John was close to climax, he started pulling out, he wanted us to do it together, but I begged him not to, I told him that I wanted him to shoot inside me, and he could stroke me. We both shot together that night, timed almost to the millisecond, but again, feeling his warm shot inside me was another feeling of happiness. 

That night I was happy for many reasons, first, me and John finally did it, and it was amazing. Secondly, we slept together in the same room, while not the main, but still, I considered us a living together couple, third, the food was burnt, this meant that John wouldn’t get to eat my horrible tasteless food, but last and most importantly, I was happy that I was able to open myself up to someone else, I told him what I wanted and he delivered. 

Back to Ilos, I thought of that amazing night, and I couldn’t help myself, almost immediately, I had a tighter crotch and I was drooling a little. The most embarrassing fact is that John noticed, and was immensely pleased by it. “You were thinking about us having sex right?”, “”NO” I snapped back. “C’mon Kai, its obvious, as I said before, you need to loosen up a bit, tell me what you were thinking, tell me you naughty boy”. “whatever John, now lets get back to your emails”, “do we have to, Kaiiiiiiii”, “yes John, we have to, so we have some news, interview requests, love letters, you lucky dog, appearances, honors and….this is interesting do you want to buy some authentic rare Volus herb, says here it works as a great penis enhancement drug, I don’t remember, but lets see if you need it”, I proceeded to John’s bed, and in an act that surprised even me, I lifted his robe to expose his genital region. It was an excuse for me to see his package again, especially that it looked really amazing, his dick was soft, and was perfectly centered on his sack. It took a lot for me not to just grab it then and there, but I was officially turned on. “Kai, I am impressed, being so bold, and in public”, “well I needed to see”, “and are you liking what you see, do you miss him”, “yes, I miss Shep Jr, happy”. 

Exposing John like that was nerve wrecking as it is, and to make matters worse, the Drs decided to pop in at that exact moment. Karen looked at me in a surprised/shocked look. I immediately covered Shepard as I said “I was just looking for something”, Shepard smiled as he said “what were you looking for down there Kaidan”, I shot him a stern look as I said “zip it, or else you’ll find someone else to do it tonight”, “well I have like a million who are ready so, your loss”. Funny John was being funny, so I just retreated to the corner as the Drs completed their exam. 

“Well Commander Shepard, it seems you will be leaving us soon. All tests came back clean. you can leave whenever you are able to. We will miss having you here Commander, its not everyday we have a galactic celebrity”. I was relieved, finally John was cleared to go, finally I can have him to myself, and finally I can be completely alone with him. “Great news doc, can’t wait to get him out of here”, Karen glanced at me and said “I am sure you can’t, but take it easy would you”. I got her hint, and my face turned into every shade of red there was, but John seemed to enjoy the embarrassment I was in. The Drs finally left us alone and I turned to John “ok, are you ready to head out”, “can’t wait”. John was practically on his feet the moment the Drs left the room, he was clearly excited to get out of this place, and I was too, I couldn’t believe that after months imprisoned in this room, we finally were going to leave. I quickly gathered John’s belongings and helped him change into something where his ass would not be hanging out, even though I loved the view. Finally John was dressed, we were packed and set to go. John still had a little trouble walking, which was apparently normal after the injuries he sustained, but I helped him move, we were both almost sprinting to get out.

We made it out of the medical wing and luckily the sky car was still there. I helped John to the passenger seat, locked his bags in the trunk and got into the driver seat. As soon as we launched, John looked at me and asked if we could take a quick tour around the base, I thought he wanted to see what Liara has done, I wanted to see what Liara had done in daylight. But as soon as the sky car was high enough, John looked away from the window and said “Kai, let the auto pilot take over”, I usually liked to drive myself, so I said “John I prefer to….”. Before I finished my sentence, John’s head was in my lap, 3 seconds later, he unhooked my pants, got to my cock and began sucking on it. With shaky hands, I was successfully able to reach the autopilot switch. “John, wait till we, oh my god, don’t wait”. John’s masterful sucking was apparently amplified by his renewed chance, he was more hungry than ever, more forceful than ever, and yet more tender than ever. I felt his tongue going up and down my shaft, then felt his hands slowly caressing my balls as he focused his sucking efforts on my head. I was enjoying every second of it, but I also knew that I wanted my first blow after months to be in a different setting, so when I was close, very very close to blowing, I begged John to stop. “John, please, let’s do it when we are at home, where we can blow together, please”. He wasn’t convinced of the reason, but he felt that I was, so that was enough for him, as he pulled away I thanked him, knowing that he did it only for me. I set the autopilot to our home, which was approximately 15 minutes away. It crossed my mind several times to blow John, well not to completion, but I knew I wanted to taste his dick soon, and I was dying to do so, but I restrained myself, our first time after the reapers and after all that we’ve been through needs to be memorable. We made our way back to the mountain side apartments, and, as we got closer to the it, my heart began to pound louder, I knew that my life as John Shepard’s boyfriend was about to begin, and I couldn’t wait.

**Author's Note:**

> Part 4 will come, but it will take time, sorry :o


End file.
